Thank God It’s One Trump

We absolutely cannot let Friday pass without noticing it—and without thanking God for it! But this Friday is different: now, we should also start thanking the incoming President. 

At the very least, let’s thank him right now for everything yet to come! Because when it does, we might not even be able to make a sound. And it will. 

This is only the beginning, and President Trump, true to form as a leader who underpromises and overdelivers, has made yet another yuge move to benefit all Americans—not just the ones sporting Trump gold watches or MAGA sneakers. 

This Friday, to better meet the needs of all Americans, President Trump is launching another MAGA MERCH: a 25-Trump coin. 

<drumroll!> 

Although the coin may look like a humble quarter, its actual value will be determined by the newly-appointed DOGE coin guys. The coin’s design, however, is final. From now on, all American (and eventually Russian) currency will be converted into Trumps, and the design will remain unchanged as long as America stays Great—and that’s forever. This groundbreaking design will be signed into law and approved by Congress first thing in the morning on January 21, 2025.

The idea of launching Trumps worldwide came from George Santos, who’s being considered for Treasurer and Education Secretary. After all, when the President is a convict, the future Attorney General is under investigation, and the person in charge of healthcare is apparently medically challenged, it’s only natural to appoint a certified embezzler with a fake degree for one of those roles.

President Trump personally designed the coin with incredible care. He even added multiple stars in patterns of 2, 3, 5, and 8 to make the inevitable forgery more difficult—since these patterns follow the Fibonacci sequence. A stroke of genius, ensuring only the smartest Americans can crack the code—or, as Trump calls them, his “perfect voters.” 

This safety tweak in design was strongly supported by Santos, who might have an even better shot at becoming Education Secretary, especially since the department is expected to shut down soon anyway. 

You might not see the critically important set of eight stars on the coin—they’re right there, albeit partially covered by the letters “MAGA,” to emphasize that MAGA rises above individual stars. 

Coin gurus will also notice that instead of the usual mint marks ‘D,’ ‘P,’ ‘S,’ or ‘W,’ the coin bears the unusual mark ‘FA.’ This, too, is a result of tremendous effort by the incoming President. Upon learning that these marks stood for Denver, Philadelphia, San Francisco, and West Point—all Democrat strongholds, with West-Pointers being losers on top—Trump responded with a simple, elegant suggestion: “F them All.” His loyal team immortalized this as ‘FA’ on the historic coin.

Of course, the coin’s motto has also been updated. While the President-elect was tempted to keep the classic “Out of many, one,” he decided instead to leave his mark on American democracy. The new motto reflects the true values unearthed by this election campaign: “PANEM ET CIRCENSES.“ 

And if you followed the campaign, you’ll agree: the change couldn’t be more appropriate.

It’s important to note that non-circulating first prints like this are usually tightly controlled by the mint and unavailable to the public until the official release. But not with the incoming President! So feel free to share this exclusive intel with your closest friends—just don’t leave it lying around at your summer cottage, especially if your cleaning staff leans Democrat.